The Watermelon Saga: A Series Of Horror Filled
by ShadoWolfDemon
Summary: Ridiculous Dreams From the Mind Of Smifficus Maximus. Includes cameos from Cardcaptor Sakura, Final Fantasy VIII, VII and XII, Kingdom Hearts, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, YuGiOh, Pokemon, and Wolf's Rain. Sounds like crack? Its not. Its my mind. Bwaha.
1. Episode 1: The Watermelon Flies!

**A/N: Uhm, so… I should probably explain what this is. XD. This, is what happens when poor, poor Smiff is exposed to too much Squeenix, anime, cartoons, and lack of life. This… is a documentation of these dreams I've been having. Why it's called the Watermelon Saga… well, you shall find out. XD. Here we go! Enjoy…. And don't take this seriously, AT ALL.**

*******

**The Watermelon Saga: A Series Of Horror Filled Ridiculous Dreams From the Mind Of Smifficus Maximus**

**Episode One: The Watermelon Flies!**

*******

"And so you see guys, that is how you find the circumference of a moose," a voice echoed from the courtyard of the infamous high school known as _Lawl High. _No, seriously, that's what the high school is called; or at least that's what my friends call it that don't go to this damned place. Why it's worth laughing at is something I will never, ever understand.

I sighed, knowing my day was already going to be strange since my friends were discussing the mathematical properties of meese, _again_. Hadn't we learned that from internet memes already? I mean, that was what school was for… internet memes.

"Heya Smiff!" a voice said next to me. It was high-pitched and feminine, which could only mean one thing.

"Hey Syaoran!" I replied, turning to the brown haired boy whom I had written about in way too many fanfics to count. Clearly, he had inhaled too many helium balloons again. I dunno what he thinks he's trying to do…. I remember he said something about flying by filling himself up with helium, but it slipped my mind as he picked me up, and threw me football style into the courtyard of the prison known as _Lawl High School_.

I crashed into my group of friends, and the spectators around us held up score cards. By the size of the bump on my head, I didn't need to know they were all holding up tens. Syaoran walked down, casually, as if nothing out of the ordinary happened.

"Guess what?" another one of my friends asked. I turned to her, the surprise clearly in front of my face. In her hands was the largest watermelon ever to exist ever. No seriously, it was freaking gigantic. Why I didn't see it before is beyond me. You'd think you would see a giant bright green fruit from the top of the stairs going into the courtyard, but nope, not me. I guess I need new glasses.

"That," I said. "Is the biggest fucking watermelon ever."

"I know!" Syaoran squealed in a helium enhanced voice. "Isn't it amazing?"

But before anyone could do anything, theme music started playing. Every single one of us looked at each other briefly, a fire of nostalgia passing through our eyes. The theme music brought back memories of our brilliant childhoods, when cartoons were so much freaking better than the absolute _shit _they show now a days. Seriously, what happened to good Television! My mind continued to rant until Syaoran yelled, in his normal voice (which caused every single student in my school to turn their heads toward him in awe): "Sweet mother of Tyra Banks!"

Before I had time to say what the fuck, the characters from the theme music appeared. There were four of them… and they were ninja-tastic… and turtles.

Yes….

It was the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.

And before I could squeal in fangirlish delight, the four reptilian ninja's leapt into the air, doing an amazing combo of martial arts (and somehow playing a game of poker at the same time) and kicked the watermelon into the skies.

"Mission complete!" one of them yelled. I didn't have time to see which one, but for some reason, I couldn't help but yell at them for what they'd done.

"Brooklyn Rage!" I screamed as the four ninjas vanished into the ground… without digging a hole.

"The watermelon…flies!" Syaoran exclaimed, his voice magically back to its high pitched normalness. I sighed, thinking he was deranged, but only then did I realize that the watermelon really never did fall back to the ground.

"It really does fly," I repeated, wide eyed.

And then, the bell rang, signaling the first class of the day.


	2. Episode 2: Will Syaoran Fly?

*******

**The Watermelon Saga: A Series Of Horror Filled Ridiculous Dreams From the Mind Of Smifficus Maximus**

**Episode Two: Will Syaoran Fly? The Trampoline In My Neighbor's Yard Says Yes**

*******

Ah, Saturday morning, a paradise for the high-schooler mind. After a week of seething because of my watermelon being kicked into the air, I was tired. Still, there was nothing I could do about my _dog_, who is _never tired_. Did I mention he is _short?_

Ow! Okay, remind me not to say that in front of him. His name is Ed. Yes, my dog's name is Ed. Don't get the reference? Go watch Fullmetal Alchemist, and then come back to this piece of crack called a fanfic. I swear, I'm not advertising, even if it is one of the most brilliant shows on the entire freaking planet. No, seriously, it is. I have a poster, an Alphose plush, four figurines, and the alchemist pocket watch. I'm not obsessed I swear!

Oh, and my dog's name is Ed, in case you didn't get that earlier… and he's short. Ow! Stop biting me Eddy!

Continuing on before I repeat myself needlessly, again, I was awoken by the wet-nosed-fluffer-head. Yes, that's one of his nicknames, and I'm aware it's a mouthful. Anyway, wet-nosed-fluffer-head jumped on my face. Nothing too unusual, but very unpleasant when you're in a deep, deep, deep sleep, dreaming about your new fictional character obsession. Who that was? No, not Edward Elric, I said _new_ obsession. Don't worry, he'll appear later, but not yet.

Anyway, the dog made himself comfortable on my face… (which does actually happen out of my dreams, so nothing strange was going on quite yet). I mumbled something that sounded like "get your face outta my face" to him, and you wanna know what he did? He got up, and stuck his nose right in my face! Karma sucks!

When I was finally out of bed and at the door to let Mr. wet-nosed-fluffer-head outside into the backyard, I stared, in shock at the sight before me.

There was a pile of junk outside. Like, a very intricate pile of junk. It was a freaking _tower!_ I could see the most random-ass things, including some of my possessions. Immediately, I knew who was behind this.

"Guys, were you trying to help Syaoran build a tower he can try to fly off of?" I asked, waiting for my friends to appear at the window of their "tower."

"Yeah," one of them replied. "We felt bad for him because he got all depressed when our chemistry teacher told him inhaling helium wouldn't make him fly."

"Damn that mother-clucker," I said, making a pun even if I didn't realize it in my dream (My chemistry teacher's dream is to open a fried chicken restaurant with the name "Mother Cluckers" no joke! It was featured in the school newspaper and everything!). "So how'd he get _this_ idea?"

"He watched a bird hatchling jump out of its nest and fly."

"Ah," I replied, as if it made perfect sense and would work. "While he's up there, he can get my watermelon back."

Suddenly, and completely out of nowhere, the ground started rumbling so violently, I fell onto my sorry ass, and the junk tower swayed in a dramatic fashion over my head, threatening to fall on me. Unfortunately, the ladder that was my friend's escape down, got flung into the air (kinda like the watermelon, only this time, gravity applied) and straight into a volcano. My dog, however, was so low to the ground, he did not feel the earthquake in the least.

"How the fucking hell did a volcano get there?" I yelled, cursing my luck. As if it were on cue, the volcano erupted, sending plumes of lava and flaming rocks into my garden.

"Smiff!" my friends cried. "Save us! The volcano is gonna burn us and we can't get down because the ladder died!"

I didn't stop to question weather the ladders were living, breathing things, because everyone knows they have thoughts and feelings like the rest of humankind. That poor, poor ladder. May it rest in… pieces… well, most likely splinters… but still.

"Okay, don't panic!" I yelled up to them, pacing around like a retarded squirrel. "I know! There's a trampoline in my neighbor's yard!"

I ran up the stairs and into my house. I had to ask the neighbors if I could barrow the trampoline, because obviously, the volcano would only be affecting my friends, and not my house, backyard, or rest of the city. Just my friends. It was an emergency.

And then all of the sudden, my stomach rumbled. I was starving. I had woken up and still hadn't eaten breakfast and it was already half passed Pi. If I didn't eat, I'd be dead faster than one could say Kraft (which by the way, you shouldn't buy. Its owned by a cigarette company… which kinda makes the 'dead' comment a pun. Get it? Its funny. Start laughing bitches!).

"Dammit, I need someone to do my dirty work for me!" I yelled frantically, deciding Mac and Cheese was a great breakfast option, even though that's the farthest from what I usually eat in the mornings… or at all. Actually, I don't remember the last time I even thought abut Mac and Cheese. Anyway, that was all the more reason to have it. It was cheesy. Mm, cheese.

Still, my friends were important, and I needed to save them. I ran to the front door of my house, and out the gate, when suddenly, I bumped into the whole person that got my friends into this mess: no, not Cloud, though I wish it was him so I could _throttle_ his ass. I hate that emo!

"Syaoran!" I yelled in relief. "Go steal my neighbor's trampoline, who don't know you, and probably didn't know an anime character could exist, and save my friends for me! Thanks!"

Well, now that I had the afternoon to myself, I could do whatever I wanted.

So I proceeded to make Mac and Cheese, eat it, eat more of it, play Guitar Hero, and completely ignore the outside world (including Syaoran using the trampoline in clear view to attempt flying… and by the way, he wasn't anywhere _near_ my backyard to save my friends…), until I went to bed.

***

Ah, Sunday morning, a paradise for the high-schooler mind. After a week of seething because of my watermelon being kicked into the air, plus an extra days worth of Guitar Hero, I was tired. Still, there was nothing I could do about my _dog_, who is _never tired_. Did I mention he is _short? _

Ow!

I sighed as I walked down to my backyard to let my prick of a dog out again… which was weird because I don't think I actually ever let him back in my house the day before. As my dog walked out of the door to go nom on some of his own dog-crap, I stared at the junk pile before me….

My friends were still up there. The volcano was nowhere in sight.

"You know what? You guys suck. I'm outta here."

I turned around, and walked back in my house, ignoring the screaming protests of my dear _Lawl High School_ friends….

***

**A/N: Smiff is not nice to her friends. XD.**


	3. Authors Note

**A/N: Okay, I'm usually really against these.... author's notes chapters, but I felt the need to let you guys know what the hell has been going on with me. So I'll give you the bad news... and then the good news!**

**First things first though, I am going to explain my loooong hiatus (aside from that one-shot and my crackfic, which hardly counts). Well, I'd like to first of all blame my Hiatus on my poor health. This year has been the worst year in terms of how sick I've gotten (actually, I have a rather nasty cold right now... on fucking FINALS WEEK!). We think the cause of it is a cyst I got on my back, which by the way, is the most painful thing I have EVER had in my entire lifetime. That said, I'm having the damned thing removed next week. The surgery is supposed to be painless (thank god, I've had enough with the pain) so I should be back and running soon.**

**So, here's the bad news. This week (which I am calling shit week), I have had finals (which I am failing due to being sick. DX) and then, just as my luck would have it, my computer completely crashes.... which means any and all of my updates may be completely lost, including re-written chapters of many of my fanfics, and my original stories, not to mention my artwork, AMVS, and other unfinished projects. If I can't get those back, my motivation for a lot of these stories is gonna go down the drain.**

**But do not fear, there is hope. I may be able to recover my files (which would be amazing indeed. I needz my files. DX), which would be the best case scenario. The worst case scenario would be that I don't get them back, and have to discontinue some of my stories... which I don't want to do. ****Still, hope is not gone for my readers. I have many fresh ideas to write down for you, so even if worst comes to worst, and I do loose motivation for my current stories, new ones are on the way from my very twisted, yet creative mind. 8D.**

**Hopefully, I have eased your minds about where I've been. And don't worry, I am confident I'll be getting my stuff back :)**

**--Smiff**

**PS: While I'm here, I emplore you to look at my FictionPress account... cuz I am a shameless advertiser like that.**


	4. Episode 3: PokeZombie Apocalyptica

*******

**The Watermelon Saga: A Series Of Horror Filled Ridiculous Dreams From the Mind Of Smifficus Maximus**

**Episode Three: PokeZombie Apocalyptica**

*******

I sighed miserably as I dragged my feet down the hill, passed the parking lot, and up the ramp to get to the absolutely shitty temporary classroom for English (AKA, my _least _favorite subject of the semester…even more than… dare I say it… _math_).

Seriously though, my teacher is a douche-fag. I hope he dies of a heart attack someday soon… cuz well, he's got the weight to look like he could. Ha. I'm a bitch, I know, but at two fifty in the afternoon going to your least favorite class, you would be too.

As I entered the room, something seemed awry: the class was chatting, loudly, and music was blaring from someone's iPod… which could only mean one thing….

"Oh. Em. Jee," I said, my eyes going wide with excitement. "There's a substitute teacher!"

Immediately, I dashed to the iPod speakers, leaving a cloud of dust behind me (because those damned temporary classrooms _never_ get swept; it's a breeding ground for dust bunnies). I threw whoever's iPod was in the dock at the wall, letting the rap music come to a complete halt before the artist started ranting about why he was hot, and we were not (seriously, I will never understand Mims for that one) and then I put my own iPod in and started blasting metal music, causing the other students to cover their ears while I air-guitared. Actually, only one student joined me: Zack Fair, who conveniently appeared when Syaoran got lost in the sky. We assumed he was flying with my neighbor's trampoline since he hadn't been seen in a week now.

When the music finally stopped, it was time to actually do class related things… _not_.

"Lets talk about Disney movies," the substitute teacher announced as I sat at my desk way in the back of the room. Normally, I would love a subject like this, but my excitement turned to horror as the students started raising their hands when the sub asked: "Which is your favorite?"

"Superbad!" one student yelled. My eye twitched. Superbad was an amazing movie, that I didn't doubt, but I _knew_ it wasn't a Disney movie.

"Borat!" another yelled. Okay, that was the last straw. Borat, is my _favorite_ movie, and is _way_ too good to be part of Disney, which unfortunately, fails these days (and Borat is my homie!).

Unable to take the horror, I collapsed into my desk, putting my headphones on and blasting my favorite electric cello using band, Apocalyptica.

"I wish everyone here would die. Stupid Lawl High," I muttered under my breath as I watched the clock tick above my head. It was like there was a bug jammed between the gears making the clock move, because each sentence was killing me as more wrong answers came spewing out of my disgusting classmates mouths… 'cept for Zack. Zack is too epic to be part of such… horrid behavior.

Finally, the last five minutes of school was going to be torturous… and somehow, I knew I would die before it was over… and I didn't know how right I was. Suddenly, in the middle of yet _another_ wrong answer, an earthquake shook the entire room. Zack and I looked at each other as everyone else ducked for cover, somehow knowing exactly what was coming.

"But its too early for the PokeZombie Apocalypse," Zack said as fear filled his eyes. "Its not twenty-twelve yet!"

"I don't get it either," I replied, only to realize that Apocalyptica was still playing on my iPod. It was then I made the connection. Apocalyptica… Apocalypse. At the revelation I could only say one thing: "Oh shiznit."

And then it happened. Pokemon filled the room in a frenzy, killing everyone in a bloody mess. I was horrified as I saw a Caterpie rip the guts out of our substitute teacher. I wasn't surprised however to see Magikarp doing nothing… because Magikarps just suck ass (seriously! I always find it sad when you find that trainer in a Pokemon game that says: "My daddy gave me these Pokemon!" and then he battles you, and then he has _six Magikarps_.Its things like that that make me feel like a loved child, because goddmit, that kid's dad must have _hated_ him…).

Finally, it seemed I was the last person left alive, and every Pokemon crowded around me, snarling and dripping human guts and blood everywhere. The stench was… less than pleasant, lets put it like that.

"Hey, if you're gonna kill me too, at least let a Charizard kill me or something badass?"

The Pokemon looked at each other, shrugged, and proceeded to rip me to shreds. Moments later, my spirit appeared above the scene. So, death wasn't as painful as I thought. I shrugged as I watched the PokeZombie Apocalypse commence.

But I was thoroughly surprised to see that instead of making everyone into the room into mindless brain eating zombies (brainz!), that the Pokemon lifted my body into the air, and carried me out of the destroyed temporary classroom. Curious, I followed myself (that sounds philosophical or something…) into the main building of Lawl High School.

The interior of the school was destroyed, except the orchestra room, probably because it had cellos in it… because cellos are badass. Especially when they're electric and have fuzz effects. Mmm, Apocalyptica.

In any case, they brought my body into the orchestra room, placing it into a teleporter (that I had never seen in my school prior to this dream, but for some reason, I knew that it was there for all the years I'd attended the damned place as I watched from my spirit state above the scene), and making my body dissolve into nothingness.

"Wuh? My body! Where did I go?" I asked to no one in particular.

And then suddenly, for some reason, I woke back up, in my own body….

In the middle of the desert.

"What the fuck?" I asked aloud.

"You are a zombie now," a booming voice answered. I turned around, expecting some kind of manley monster… but it was Latias. Go figure that the most high pitched voiced Pokemon would be telling me my gave news (haha, grave news… and zombies. Puns are so punny).

"But…" I started, looking at myself thoroughly. "I don't feel like a zombie."

"Well, you are!" Latias exclaimed, her… erm, his, no its gotta be her, but in this place who knows, voice booming into the endless desert. "Now I command you to wander through the desert aimlessly and eat the brainz of whoever you may find…. Okie-thanx-bi-nao!"

And with that Latias exploded, leaving me with no choice but wander the desert aimlessly. "Well, isn't this ironic. What the fuck."

And so, me, the Smiffster, started on her way to nowhere, her zombie urges never kicking in, yet somehow still being undead.

"And again, I say, WHAT THE FUCK?"

***

**A/N: I love my mind. Seriously though, check out Apocalyptica. They pwn. You soul. But be warned, if you play them in the middle of a dusty English classroom, Pokemon might come kill you. 8D.**

**Review if you dare.**

**Next Chapter:** Watermelon Saga Bonus Chapter: The Keyblade Wars!

(Based off the interesting school even my friends and I made… and then the dream that followed that day's events. Eheheh. It's not exactly part of the watermelon saga, but its crackfictastic. So its going here. XD)


End file.
